So here we are on day 1 of my juice fast. I’ve been preparing quite a bit for this. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my daily work life, and how I use food as a crutch. I’ve also done a lot of thinking about my relationship with alcohol, over eating, and eating as a pastime. I mentioned before that I also have attachment to caffeine through drinking monster energy drink on a regular basis. I think the most help so far has been my reading on the ego and the desire that stems from it. I’ve read up on the Buddhist view on it, and the Sigmund Freud psychology end of it. It’s been a big help. I feel like I’ve been an ego maniac all my life, as we all are, but somehow I just feel like I’ve been more lost than most. So here I am, 240 lbs give or take finally getting down to “crunch time”, and I don’t mean Twix bars, I mean, don’t sit-ups on the matt and pulling my self back together. My goal is to get back to 230 and see where it goes from there.
So right now I’m doing without my 1st of two highlights of the day at my job, breakfast. You can take a guess at what the second highlight is. I have really bad associations with a daily work routine and eating to make my self feel better about not getting to do what I’d rather be doing today. It’s like telling myself that I get a doggie treat for being a good boy and “having my priorities right”.
I have two juicers, a small one that my mom left to me, it’s not very good, but it’s there, I can use it to do my fruit juice in the morning without having to drag anything to the car, because I cracked and went and got a Breville Juicer for the car, it’s not broken and everything is contained so I don’t make a mess. I had to get at 1100W continuous power amp for the car, I connect it to the battery directly then run an extension cord to the back. I did a test run last week.
The juicer in my car and in the kitchen at home is going to be a big help because I need to stay OUT of the cafeteria at work. I’ve already had so many things run through my head, even “let me get a V8 and some fruit”. I feel like this is an evil plot so my ego can get my in there and cave in. lol. Not this time pal. I’m sticking to juice and water, deep breathing, and understanding myself and my urges. I’ve seen where giving into weakness and just doing what feels good gets me. It’s time for it to end!
So yeah, I’ll probably keep blabbing on here about what I’m going through. Writing about it seems to take my mind off it. I just have to keep remind myself that ego isn’t who I am, it’s a mechanism in my brain, and it is that that I am going to succeed in controlling over the next 10+ days.
Damn this is hard, everyone in the office is talking about food. I can’t stop thinking about food. I feel like I’m going to naw my arm off. I better go do my lunch juice soon.
Eye twitch. Starting to smell food from other people’s lunch at the office. Feeling upset about not getting to be a part of the eating. Lunch is such a festive thing in the office. I’m being bombarded by all kinds of past feelings of enjoyment from food. Sense of smell is vastly increased. At the same time I’m not incredibly enthusiastic about going out there to get juice.
Just got back from doing juice out the back of my car in the parking lot. I was like a ninja! I had done a test run last week. I got the routine down. Quick and too the point, using bags to carry things into the kitchen. I need to do this out the back of the car because my office is so boring people wont leave you alone if you do anything out of the ordinary. Plus being out of place eating up power in a data center is not ok. I’m not feeling as miserable about not getting to have food, I’m more happy with how well things are working after my preparation for this. I’m drinking my stuff with kale I got fresh from the famers market. Whatever bad taste there is I’m not tasting because I used an apple or two with my juice. It seems to counter the strong taste of vegetables quite well.
A side note about the importance of it being fresh. If you do your juice the previous night and put it in glass jars you will fail this diet…. Because it tastes HORRIBLE if it’s not fresh. Oxidization, it’s no good. The juice seems to taste more and more like grass the longer you leave it. Soo hooray for juicer access at work!
I feel strange. Not in a bad way, just different. Weird hot flashes
Hungry again. Thinking about food. Drinking water.
Calm. The anxiety level has come down. Feeling accomplished, I got past all the food smells in the office. Hooray!!
Dreading the coming last haul… the food reward for a going to work, and the daily pity I seem to have for myself for having to do a horrible 1.5 hour commute home. It’s here I have urges the most. I feel bad childishly feel bad for myself having to go and work at my cushy desk job.. poor me.
And I also feel the need to celebrate coming home. It’s usually when I pull off the highway and land in my home town when I want to buy booze, or some yummy food to share with my girlfriend or roommate. I guess this is where half of the addiction comes from. Back to that ego again. “I’ll feel like a good person if I bring food or booze and turn life into a good time”. It seems to be getting back to that wanting to be the cool guy. I need to remind myself on the way home, that there’s nothing cool about being 240 pounds when you’re supposed to weigh 200.
Focused on work. Not feeling terrible. Still loathing the last mile. Thinking to myself that writing down my thoughts helped with the anxiety. And simply drinking water was a really good way to deal with hunger urges or any thought that was generated by just wanting an excuse to get up from my desk and walk around and take a break. My eye started twitching again, probably caffeine withdrawal? Definitely feeling accomplished. I’ll really be on to something when it’s tomorrow AM and still on track.
Apple, Orange, Pear for breakfast.
Tomato, Apple, Celery, Kale, Carrot, Parley for lunch
Summary: Hunger level is about a 5.. but feeling accomplished so far. Drinking water when I feel hungry.